Un-fuc*ing my mind Step 1: Just write
Product of environment and learning to adapt to surroundings. “I learned very young, a drink can fix almost anything.”‘.
I know why I am the way that I am. I know my traumas. I know my triggers. I have spent years trying to get over them. So how do I un-fuck my mind? How do I shed the fight or flight.. the want for revenge..the survival mode mentality? I want to get back to my innocence.. back to that little girl I once was carefree and hopeful, sitting on my swing in the back yard.. watching sunrises and birds sing.. and believing in love. I’m not sure, but I know what doesn’t work.
The love I have for my daughters is what kept me going. I would have gave up a long time ago. The bad part is, they had to grow up with a “broken parent” too.
I wish I would have tried harder to do better sooner… Two steps forward … one, two and three steps back. I fell. I fucked up. I am sorry.
I am trying harder now. I know I am not the only one who has gone through horrible things in life. I know I am not the only one who has survived and gone on to have hope again. I decided to stay sober through this.. to lean into the pain. To feel it and push through it.
I did not plan for these demons to be a part of my journey. Its not the amazing adventures I planned on writing about when I started this blog. But it is becoming a huge part of my time alone. The pain creeps in. The world is facing a Pandemic. We have been told to shelter in place, something my soul has done for years… It has also housed a lot of trauma, and something has triggered it. I stopped drinking for health reasons, and because I am a horrible drunk. I make bad decisions when I drink. Moving forward sober has been great for the most part. I am enjoying living in my travel trailer, meeting new people and seeing new things. However, I am not enjoying having flash backs and nightmares of past traumas.